If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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