I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
