I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
