dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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