I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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