So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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