Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
