No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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