I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
