omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
