before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
