no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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