Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
