you guys were way drunker than both of me
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
