The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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