i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
