I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
