I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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