I can text with my tongue
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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