I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
