wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
