Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Ladies don't puke and tell
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
