Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
