Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
