When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
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Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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