On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Randomize
