My Higher Power is John Stamos
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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