we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
