This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
