nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
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She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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