Where are you?
In a non slutty way
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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