I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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