i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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