I faked an abortion last night.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
