if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Someone shit on the floor
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
