i was born a porn star she said
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
