he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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