are you still at the devil's house?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
