Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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