I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Semen is not good for contacts.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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