I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
