I faked an abortion last night.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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