I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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