woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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