And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
