True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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