WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
