I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
