ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
