don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
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How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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