Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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