Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
