new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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