My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
