They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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