Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
