I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
